Sometimes when searching for peace we try to make sure we seek forgiveness from those we have done wrong and to forgive those who has done us wrong… Today I learned we don’t always need to forgive someone else but forgive the us they harmed.
When I was little someone I loved and trusted hurt me badly. This was not a one time experience but a daily experience that lasted many years. As I got older this person and I would try on different variations of our relationship like different hats and until today I had convinced myself that I had to forgive them in order to be complete with myself. I found this something I just could not do even though all the self help books and philosophies I have studied told me I can’t move forward with my life until I forgive them. Today a shift in my paradigm occurred, well not a shift really as much as a complete and total earthquake, hurricane, tornado and whatever other major movement you can think of – combined in one.
Apparently, even though I was trying to find it in myself to forgive this person and finding myself lacking in ability to do so (looking back I see now I was beating myself up for feeling a lack of compassion) it was because I was searching to find compassion for the wrong person. The person that needed that forgiveness and compassion was the little me who felt she deserved what happened to her. She didn’t. I didn’t and still don’t.
The physical beatings stopped many years ago, more than half my life now, but the emotional beatings continued until today. I didn’t deserve what happened then and don’t deserve to beat myself up or let anyone else beat me up emotionally for something from so long ago. It happened. It’s over. I’ve forgiven. I’m moving on…. NEXT!
When I was little someone I loved and trusted hurt me badly. This was not a one time experience but a daily experience that lasted many years. As I got older this person and I would try on different variations of our relationship like different hats and until today I had convinced myself that I had to forgive them in order to be complete with myself. I found this something I just could not do even though all the self help books and philosophies I have studied told me I can’t move forward with my life until I forgive them. Today a shift in my paradigm occurred, well not a shift really as much as a complete and total earthquake, hurricane, tornado and whatever other major movement you can think of – combined in one.
Apparently, even though I was trying to find it in myself to forgive this person and finding myself lacking in ability to do so (looking back I see now I was beating myself up for feeling a lack of compassion) it was because I was searching to find compassion for the wrong person. The person that needed that forgiveness and compassion was the little me who felt she deserved what happened to her. She didn’t. I didn’t and still don’t.
The physical beatings stopped many years ago, more than half my life now, but the emotional beatings continued until today. I didn’t deserve what happened then and don’t deserve to beat myself up or let anyone else beat me up emotionally for something from so long ago. It happened. It’s over. I’ve forgiven. I’m moving on…. NEXT!
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